5-4-Friday... 15 steps to giving a cat a tablet

What a roller-coaster of a week this has been? First of all Wigan Athletic only go and win the FA Cup at Wembley Stadium against the mega-rich Manchester City and then, while we are still all as high as kites on euphoria, adrenalin and God knows what else, they go and get spanked at Arsenal and the club makes the inevitable drop into the Championship after eight inglorious years. Do not pass Aston Villa, or even Sunderland… More importantly, do not collect £60 million in television money. On top of that, I arrived home from work the other night to find my local pub has been reduced to this. To say it has been an emotional week, therefore, would simply not do it justice.

So, you will forgive me if I take a slight departure from the norm for this week’s offering. Those of you who have been following my drivel on Facebook recently will know that we have two twelve-week old kittens in the house. We haven’t yet had cause to give them any medicinal treatment of any kind but, given the speed they career around the house like they are in their own episode of Wacky Races, I am dreading the day when do have to catch them to try to feed them tablets. On that very subject, here is a salutary lesson in attempting to administer pills to cats (and dogs) that was doing the rounds on the internet and email years ago which I have just stumbled across. It still tickles me now.

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth gently apply pressure to cheeks, while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe, call spouse in from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into cat’s mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered ornaments and vases from hearth, and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in one end of a drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with a pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply sticking plaster to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force cat’s mouth open with a desert spoon. Flick pill down cat’s throat with an elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer, fetch bottle of Scotch, pour a shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check medical records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Take another shot of Scotch. Throw T-shirt away and get a new one from bedroom.
Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f—— cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden string, and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into cat’s mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be forceful about this. Hold cat’s head vertically, and pour 2 pints of water into cat’s throat to wash the pill down.
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to Accident and
Emergency dept of local Hospital. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill fragments from right eye. Call in furniture shop on your way home to order a new dining table.
Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.